long dark journey into light

I seem to ask myself this question daily.  Then I ask myself is there really any answer?  I mean does anyone really know who they are?  Every day I ask myself what I am doing with my life and what I could be doing and what I really want to do.  I just can’t get a simple answer.  Could it be my Gemini rising?  Maybe. Maybe not.

Today for example, I just discussed with my husband about joining the military next year.   If I can’t figure out what I want to do at least I can be apart of something bigger than myself and get paid for it while I ponder what is it I really want for my life.   I want to say it’s not because I am not satisfied in what I am currently doing, because I am not satisfied.  I love being a mother, don’t get me wrong, but I really dislike despise being a stay at home mom.  I’ve never been good at playing with little kids.  I never really had much of a huge imagination.  I don’t remember playing much as a child, I do remember reading for hours though.

So what is my path? What do I want to do with my life.  Questions that should’ve been answered the first time around when I was going to school.  Here I am still pondering, still meditating, still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up.

There aren’t any easy answers, this I know.  so I just gotta keep Truckin’

Truckin\’ ~ Grateful Dead

In the past month I’ve had the chance to ponder everything that has happened since that day.  I’ve not only pondered but I’ve waited. I can’t say what I have been waiting for exactly but I’ve waited nonetheless.  A friendship that was torn apart meant the world to me.  She was always there to support me and offer advice when needed.   When my father passed away she was around for me and even wanted to come up and be there for me again supporting me.  Even the conversation before “the end” was a good one.  Honestly, she was the big sister I never had and always wanted.  She didn’t act like a mother and I, honestly, thought we were closer than friends.  I considered her my best friend.  Unfortunately, I’ve managed to lose two best friends in 6 months.  Needless to say I’ve been devastated.   Then, comes the anger, when I began to question whether our friendship was even real.  If we were friends at all, why would she not hear me out, why wouldn’t she give me the benefit of the doubt?  I don’t feel that I did anything wrong.  I confided in a friend about how I’ve been feeling.  Why is that so wrong?  Did I give away private details of someones life that wasn’t mine?  The answer is no.  Did I say something out of concern for another, yes.  Yes, that I am guilty of.

Will this friendship ever be mended?  Is it time to move on and forget the friendship all together?  It was something that meant a lot to me and part of me feels like I should fight for it, but the other part of me feels like if I do fight, will it just be a losing battle?

I’m going down a path in my life where I must choose what I have or put into my life, wisely.   I don’t want to waste my time on trivial things and situations.  I want people in my life who are going to be a positive influence in my life, which includes my family’s life.

I have a cliche that come to mind: If you love someone let them go, if it was meant to be they’ll return, if not it wasn’t meant to be.  I think this fits because I love this girl like she was my sister, so I’m using it!

Now to leave you with two songs:

The Climb ~ Miley Cyrus

Sonny and Cher ~ I got you babe!

Yesterday’s post was kinda off. I was in a weird mood yesterday. Now, my head is clear or so I think.
I’m ready to let go.  Ready to let go of all the negative things in my life.  I want the positive to overflow into my life.

Just a little thing I’m throwing out there to God and the Universe.

Ever since my dad passed away, I’ve been dealt a pretty crappy hand in almost every area of my life. However, I haven’t let any of it get to me, to much. I am slowly working on every aspect of my life. In January, I started with my weight and I am currently down thirty pounds. Surprisingly, working out and eating right really works. I am starting to feel good about myself and it makes me want to do more things, such as use scented body wash, shave my legs, and put on makeup. Yes, I really did say shave my legs! *snort*

My new scent is cocoa butter. I have it in the body wash and deodorant. I love to lift my arms to get a little whiff. It smells really good. I’ve even made my husband take a whiff of my sweet smelling underarms! Yes, I’ve had him take a sniff of my neck but it was just to good to pass up when I asked him to stick his head under my arm to smell the cocoa butter and he did!

Anyways, I’d like to leave you with this..

You shouldn’t have to change who you are to please anyone. You should be able to confide into your good friend about your life. You should stand up for what you believe in. If they are your true friends they will accept you for who you are. If they were a friend at all things will eventually work itself out, but perhaps not, lessons are learned from mistakes.

good enough